Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
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