The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
