I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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