Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
