The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
