I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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