My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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