My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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