i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
