woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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