I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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