True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
