Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
