i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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