when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
