At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
