Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
