Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
