Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
