Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
