So drunk its hurt
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
