If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
