Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
