I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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