im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
