we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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