Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
