It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
