The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
