Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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