It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
