if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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