He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
