I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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