I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
