I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
