He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
