She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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