I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
