I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
