Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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