I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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