I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
