Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
