Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
