Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
