Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
