Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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