I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
