On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
