I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
