If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's like heaven, but drunker
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
